darkness

nausea.

he felt his stomach churn. a strange sour taste rising up to his throat.. burped out..
his heart was beating faster..
drops of sweat were getting heavier and falling off his forehead. the shirt fully wet, hugged his sweat-drenched back. some part of it occasionally getting unstuck and sticking back on again.
he took off the shirt... allowing the warm humid breeze to flow over him.

he sat in the darkness.

"It is appropriate that the external conditions match your state of mind. That avoids conflict within yourself. That will bring harmony." the voice in his head spoke.

the voice had grown over the years.

initially it had begun with little observations, comments. he was happy to have found a companion. a friend that was inside him. a mate that would never go away from him.

it then grew, on to judging his actions and actions of others around him. sometimes it was funny, sometimes angry, sometimes prodding him to do something, sometimes forcing him not to act.

now it had grown so much on him that he was not able to seperate himself and the voice in his head. it was more like the voice willed something and he followed it without question.

he wanted to be alone. but the voice wouldnt let him be.
anything and everything that happened or did not happen would be examined, re-examined, analysed, turned inside out, outside in, broken into peices, distorted, and then assimilated as was most convinient. based on this his emotions would be triggered and his behaviour altered.

was he trapped? was he being controlled?

was there no way to get rid of this voice?

he had stopped speaking back to it long ago hoping that it would also stop on its own. ignored it. but it could carry-on on its own, without any contribution from him. like a sapling that initially needed nurturing and care, but after a certain point would survive without need for watering or tending to.

the voice had taken root. deeply. and now he could not wish it to wither away. it did not require him anymore, it was a presence independent of him but it influenced his thoughts, actions, emotions... even his dreams were not left untouched.

the moon was rising.
the night breeze had become gentler and cooler. the curtains resisted the breeze and rose and fell forming strange shadows against the wall aided by the moonlight.

"Beautiful moon goddess. She must be so lonely."

observe.

someone had told him. or had he read it somewhere? he did not remember. but the advice had been clear.

just observe it.
do not hate it, do not love it.
it is just an extension of yourself.
it is you.
you wish it to be there. so it is there.

but he did not wish it to be there. or so he felt. it was involuntary. it just kept on and on without a break. it was arrogant. it was was so full of itself. or was it himself?
deep breath. the moon.

the master points at the moon. the foolish disciple looks at the finger.

he wished to think of himself as one of the wiser disciples, one that looked past the finger and saw the moon. but then what? why did the master want him to look at the moon..? ah it was all so confusing..

"Its not confusing. You are just not upto it."

ignoring something is giving it negative attention.
dont agree with it, nor disagree with it. just look at it.
intently.

he closed his eyes.

"Ha Ha Ha. You are just trying to avoid. That wont help at all."

he breathed in.

he breathed out.

and then it was gone.

Past

Unblinking...

His eyes were looking intently at something.

Anybody could make out that he was spacing out.

Focusing on the act of looking rather than the object that caught his attention?

Glimpsing moments from some distant past which was triggered by some smell, taste, touch, sight or sound?

Reliving some memory that was regurgitated in the sudden silence that surrounded him?

"She used to say 'yaaaa' in the very same manner.."

Ah. A clue. More than a clue in fact. It was the remembrance of some girl from the past that he summoned.

The memory having been brought back by the understanding exclamation from a college girl talking non-stop, probably with her male friend on her cell phone.

She was sitting on the bench to the right of ours and was making no attempt to lower the strain on her vocal chords.

People went by on their circuits of the park, mostly the elderly.

I tried to prod for more information

"She? You never told me about a she.. Aha! A new twist is revealed. A previously untold, unheard chapter from K's life!

Your ex-girlfriend? College love? ha ha ha.. i hope she is not in touch now..

or have you been carrying on with this even after marrying me?

if that be the case mister, dinner wont be served tonight and you will be sleeping alone in the hall."

I was ofcourse jesting him. adopting a fake tone of anger and hurt.

He turned slightly, enough for me to see his eyes rolling and an amused look breaking on his face.

His head still targeted that distant spot and held his gaze.

"Oh... i am doomed now!" he said dramatically making me break into a silly giggle.

These days he was able to make out when i was joking and when i was serious.

I remembered the initial days that had been filled with confusion and misunderstandings.

There would be needless apologies tendered from either sides assuming that the other had taken offence at some silly statement spoken casually.

Ah, how they had grown over time. Though not such a long time. only about 3 months now.

"She was a girl i met online." he continued. "we were dreaming of getting hitched.. but things did not work out with your mom-in-law.

She insisted on me marrying a girl from the fold.."

"And i was the unlucky one. I must ask mother about this." i butted in.

"I can almost see you.. all awkward and uncomfortable.. asking mom .. 'can i marry this girl i met online?' ha ha ha.."

His eyes changed a bit. I could see a hint of pain.

I moved closer to him and tightened my hold on on his fore arm..

"oh dear, im sorry... I can see that you wont appreciate any humor on this issue."

He sighed. "Its ok. No need to apologize. I just could not help wondering how close we had gotten and then how quickly everything fell apart."

The girl on the next bench uttered a rather un-lady like curse.

The batteries on her cell phone had drained and peace had returned to the little park.

"tell me what happened K... why did everything fall apart?"

He laughed out loud startling the cell-phone girl who looked pissed enough

and ready to introduce us to another word in her strong vocabulary.

"Its so funny if you look at it. My dear wife is asking about my old crush."

"So what. I need to know rite? we need to share each others life rite? past, present and future!!

Memories maketh the man!" I announced looking at him raising my free arm like Ambedkar.

"Ha ha ha.. you are an item." He said lightly pinching my right cheek like they do for little kids.

"ow.. Tell me na.." I wanted to know about his past.. wondering what it was that still brought a look of pain and regret in his eyes.

"She was a nice lady who i met quite accidentally online, on one of them social networking sites that were so much the craze then. We go to know each other, talked for a bit, got attached.. then the inevitable confrontation with mother, ended everything."

Ah a love story. Interesting, i thought. I wondered why he had kept it to himself all this while.
"did she also like you?"

he sighed again.

"i never could say. both of us were afraid of the so many differences that were in our lives. it becomes too difficult when the cultures are so varied. we shared something beautiful, but were fearful of the future. it was a big problem for me as i couldnt refuse my moms wishes"

"what happened then?"

"we lost touch for a bit. she was upset with me for lacking the courage to go ahead. i promised a lot but then did not keep them. it all happened so fast. it was so intense."

I saw him close his eyes tight. trying to undo what he had done. trying to remove the painful memory from his mind.
"is she still in touch?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me.
"sometimes. she is also married. very happy. sometimes i feel everything happened for good as it always does."

a look of happiness gently spread on his face.
"what?" i asked.

"the moon has risen.. lets go home"

He seemed back to his own self.. running ahead to buy some roasted peanuts from the street side vendor.

Salutations

MOOKAM KAROTI VACHALAM PANGOOM LANGHAYATE GIRIM
YATKRIPA TAMAHAM VANDE PARMANAND MADHAVAM

- Salutations to the ultimate bliss Madhava, whose grace makes the dumb eloquent and the cripples conquer mountains.