interesting link

http://hindu-practice.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_gayatri_mantra

nice links ... for people on their way :D

http://www.citehr.com/43868-golden-rules-finding-your-life-partner.html

Mountain a go go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0w7BBM8Yajc

http://www.imeem.com/fbl/playlist/3iZ3XUKZ/naruto_ed_07_single_mountain_a_go_go_two_music_playlist/

naruto, ED7 ..

episodes 104 - 115

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFBsfK0ZW1Q&feature=related

dialog with self 2 : blisssss

Sing for the moment

Dream on


do not let anyone destroy your bliss..
you are responsible for your bliss..
and only if your are happy can you share that happiness with some one else.

if you slip into depression, you will only hand out depression..
life is lovelyyyyyyy
and you are an angel of light
smile.. laugh..
take it light..
who knows you may change the path of someones life with a brief moment of joy..
bliss spreads
bliss is contagious..
bliss is uncontainable..
it is present everywhere, it shows everywhere...
look.. see...

dialog with self

what is freedom and happiness?
is it found in living alone without any dependencies, doing what one wants to do? or in following the norms laid by society?
is it being your own master and living life as you want it? or listening to your friends and family and working towards making them happy?
or is it being with one special individual called the soul mate who is everything that you really wish for? who will make you complete.. who will help you find and realize who you are...

and whatever path we follow what is it that matters in the end???
the one day we feel that we have lived our lives and that it is now time to leave...

who will answer all these questions?
what state of mind is it that makes one think like this?
why do these questions come?

sometimes one feels like giving up everything and going off..
but then is this going off due to the fear of what is in the present?
then that only will make one a coward who ran off without facing the challenge..
does the calling come?
or is it just a myth propagated by individuals who wished to escape from this?

misery and loneliness brings about an intense dislike for life
its usually the state of mind inside that negates all the miracles that unfold before us
if we let our state of mind be dictated by external entities then we are in for a life long run of misery.
loneliness is bearable but misery caused in one person due to the behavior of another is meaningless.

everyone will meet many people on their journey
some will like them.. some will not...
some will accept them as they are.. some will try to change them..
what finally matters is whether you have been able to connect with them..
all superficial social gestures and smiles and jokes are meaningless

its alright if a few people feel that you are the worst.
do not let their judgment of you put you down..
its the same like one mans noise another mans music
every one is wearing different colored glasses
and the same event is interpreted by so many people in so many different ways..
what should matter to you is what you feel inside.
there is a watcher inside each one of us..
and what that watcher sees and feels must be heeded.

wanting someone to come and save you is not going to help..
you have to save yourself.
you have to correct your mistakes
understand your faults
improve. for yourself.. not for someone else.

wanting to be someone else and comparing your life with theirs is another cause for suffering
what you have is best suited for you..
if you wish to change it, put efforts in making the change
rather than wanting to be someone else and hating what you are..

there are certain things that are fixed in your life.
you cant change them.. accept them..
cribbing about them is only going to make you sour.
accept them and move on...

and depending on someone else for your happiness is the worst mistake a man can ever make.
why do you think we are individuals?
if happiness was not part of what we are we, would have been born as pairs with our so called soul mates
nature does not make mistakes..
it creates conditions for betterment

so acceptance of what you are is most important..
does not matter what someone thinks about you.
once you accept what you are, that is freedom..
freedom from false expectations and misery
and freedom from misery is the begining of happiness..


a nice song here for you ..

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=dIAW2q9WT-o

little girl

she was like a little butterfly.

flying from here to there. stopping briefly as if to smell a flower and then moving on. dodging her grand dad hands and circling around him teasing. 'daadu vely slow' she exclaimed. 'im the plincess of lighth. fastel than lighth. u can nevel cath me..' her speech was getting clearer as days went by, a hint of baby talk left now.

they came to the park almost everyday. i used to sit and watch them. espcially the little girl. she would discover new things bring them to her grandpa and occassionally get scolded. she would then sulk and sit on the lawn until grandpa said it was ok and that she would get a small choco on the way back home.

some time back when she was little, her grandpa would hold her and take her around wherever she pointed, only allowing her to step on the grass if she insisted and threatened to cry. slowly she had mastered the art of walking steadily without need for support. now she was free, exploring under the watchful eye of her grand dad. as the sun would set, daadu would tell that it was getting darker and start asking her to come home. that would begin the chase. she had one of those shoes that make a silly sound while walking. one of shoes had stopped making the noise. the other one was still painfully functional.

i wondered about the parents of this little bundle of sweetness. why werent they part of her growing up? were they missing her? did she miss her parents not being there? maybe they were working to ensure a bright future for her. but was missing all of this worth it? tough questions which i would not want to answer.

sometimes one felt that life made the choices for them. that to be born in a certain family, to have affinity towards certain skills, to have encountered certain kind of people, to have made certain kind of friends. all part of what one is today and what one prioritizes in ones life. most of the time a persons past impressions were the ones that decided his impression towards the present.

she did not seem to be thinking about all this. her attentions were taken up by a decent sized worm. squatting to take a closer look, she took a small piece of wood lying nearby and was poking the insect. 'look daadu.. it was stlaight like this, when i touched him with this stick it became lound. how do i open him up again? why does he become lound.'

'sweetu dont poke little beings. wouldnt it hurt you if i poked you with that stick? wouldnt you do boo hoo and start demanding a choco? the little worm is hurt now and he is crying. after sometime when the hurt stops he will stop crying and become straight again. shall we head for home now?'

'naaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.. little mole time daaddduuu please please please..' she pleaded.

'ok ok.. baby doll, its getting darker.. and you know who comes out when its completely dark right? also mummy will be home soon. she will worry about you if we are not home by then'

'mmmm.. ok daadu.. i will check again if the little tweety bilds have come out of theil eggs. you said they will come soon.'

'yes yes child.. patience... everything has to happen when the time is right. dont you worry.'

she ran to the tree where the sparrows had built a tiny nest and laid their eggs into it. she peered on her toes and twisting her neck to get a closer view. she could see the outside part of the nest. satisfied with her observation she looked around in the fading light.

'lets go home daadu... today i want 5-stal'

'ha ha ha. ok my dear angel.. 5-star it is. but eat half now and keep the other half in the fridge.'

'today i will eat little mole than half. tomollow i will eat less.'

'as you wish little baby.'

and they walked out slowly hand in hand. she telling him about what things she had found today, asking him about when the sparrows would hatch, inquiring about whether they would be buying a 10 rupee 5 star or a 5 rupee one.

i leaned back on the cold cement bench. watching the trees swaying gently in the wind. life was about perpetual motion. constant change.

tea

she offered to make me tea. "strong cha" she said, "i like it strong". i had stopped drinking tea after i felt that i would get addicted to it. same had been the case with all addictions. comics when i was a kid, tv all through teenage, booze and cigarettes when i was old enough to buy them.

i was afraid of addictions. they made one dependent. thinking on those lines i felt liking a person too much was also kind of an addiction. it had its own dependencies. and unlike objects, people were very volatile. one couldnt expect consistency from them. so i arrived at conclusion that addiction to a substance was better than being addicted to a person. Atleast things behaved and thought the same all the time. there was no sudden change in feeling one day to another if i tell a cigarette that i wished to feel the post combustion tobacco spread tar in my lungs.

all that was until she came into my life. suddenly all that i had learned and concluded did not matter even the tiniest bit.

i looked around. there were a few magazines, news papers, a couple of framed photographs - one with a young boy, her brother i supposed, one book half read 'men are from mars women from venus'. the tea arrived on a nice looking tray, the room getting filled with the fragrance. "thats a lovely book. you should read it some time."

i sat trying to sip the exceptionally delicious tea that she had prepared. ever so gingerly cos it was fresh off the fire and super hot. i noticed that she was used to drinking piping hot tea with the grace of a swan sipping the water from a sparkling pond. trying to pretend that i too could do it, i gave up when my tongue protested rather strongly for the fourth time and tears appeared in the corner of my eyes.

she smiled, took the cup from me and placed it on the small tepoy that stood expectantly between us. "let it get cold. i prefer tea right off the fire. theres an art to drinking really hot tea. i will teach it to you some other time". there would be another time. hmm. that felt nice. increasing the heart beat rate and blood pressure indirectly. i sat looking here and there while she finished her tea.

"so.. you are into software. must be pretty dull." she said making me raise an eyebrow slightly.

"it pays good money. and thats where you tend to end up once you complete your engineering degree in computer science" as if to confirm the point she made, i felt i sounded dull.. did i do it only for the money? yes, one needed to think about food. and thoughts of food were never far from my mind. though i was more of a eat lots of a particular thing kind of person than the taste 25 different things and enjoy each one kind. i wondered if she also loved food like i did. did not look like a foodie from the way she looked. but one could never say with these ladies. they went on strict diets and exercise regimes to eat well and yet look fantastic. in my opinion exercise and diets were activities that belonged on another planet. venus that is.

"ha ha ha.. i dance.. and study and do some free lancing when time permits. the cash flow is irregular and sometimes unsubstantial but then i can always call up dad to help me out with the telephone bills for the month." She kept on grinning.

her smile was genuine. full of happiness. not the kind of fake smiles i sometimes saw in office while passing each other down the aisle between cubicles. i met her eye. i noticed that our eyes were of the same color. one moment they were the sharp kind of eyes that would bore through to your deepest core and in the next soften to accept and soothe all the pain that lay there.

"doesnt it feel kind of bad to ask your parents for support?" i asked wanting to project a 'stand on my own two feet' kind of image. i was still bothered with her remark which called my job dull. by god did she even understand the pressure when it came to debugging a self task that was corrupting random memory each time it ran? or a safe looking api leaking memory like the bucket in my old room ? and the tides of sheer frustration and joy alternating when you find the solution staring at you in a simple single line correction of code which did not flash for good part of a day and a half?

how could i impress upon her that the software industry is also like one of the creative arts? the algorithms that were built on foundations of cold and hard logic would carry upon them such beautiful ways of handling myriad variations of the problem it was meant to address. oooh.. it was like a painters brush in action.. a series of lines of code that broke the situation into millions of tiny problems to be solved. and one by one as the code executed, the problem in hand would reduce, reduce, reduce and finally be gone.. whether she would believe me if i said that the euphoria that one felt after finishing off a feature in a large module single handedly on time was similar to what a musician might feel after finishing off a composition? ah.. it was useless. the stereotype, the branding, the label. it was impossible to shake off.

"i know. but they are glad to help me out when i need and it makes them happy too. they wanted me to stay in home town and continue studying. but i felt i needed to see a little more of life. so i decided to come to this big town and learn things the way they are meant to be learned." i could sense a strong appetite for risk. she would do well in the indian markets which were currently getting smashed around one day by the bears and the next day taken to the heavens by the bulls.

"and what have you learned till now?" my story was quite different. i just took the ordinary path and got lucky multiple times on the way. managed to get into a good college and got a great job by the time i graduated. then moved to the big city and was there ever since.

"ha ha ha. you are sounding so cautious. are you trying to impress me by sounding all attentive?" i protested lamely and grabbed at the cup of tea, spilling some in the process, trying to hide behind it. she was laughing loudly now. her head thrown back. her laughter echoed off the walls of the sparsely furnished room. laughter full of heart. laughter filled with a sense of fun and abandon.

"you idiot, you will screw it up." i said to myself as she went in to get something to clean off the spilled tea. what would she think of my reaction? she had taken me by surprise. i was playing by the book. and she got into my head and saw straight through it.

"ha ha ha .. just kidding yaar. i couldnt resist the opportunity to make you a little hot under the collar. the look on your face was so worthy of a snap." she was a naughty devil. having her fun while getting acquainted. no inhibitions or wanting to make the other person comfortable. all natural and sraightforward. something that made me like her even more.

"shall we go for a walk by the sea?" she said as she cleaned up the mess i had created. "maybe that will help you relax. the fresh salt water spray is always rejuvenating." she was taking control. what should i do now? letting her lead the way would mean submitting to her. i wanted a little control back. "only if you let me choose the restaurant we dine at tonight." yes she could have the control of the evening but when it came to food i would have the decision making hand. yes. i felt like the real winner. to have countered her move with another of my own. we would eat pizza.

she laughed again and led me to the door. she was a jolly person i thought. always a smile on her face and laughing with every moment available. why was she so happy? was she posing happy? i mean how can one be happy doing the same thing again and again? if new things keep coming then the excitement and sheer newness keeps ones spirit up. i had read a book. which said that each moment that came into our life was brand new. and that it was our thoughts and impressions from our memory that dragged the newness of the current moment into the past. leaving a dry taste in the mouth due to the lost newness, the lost freshness - the stale moment, reeking of past. she did not seem to be having that attitude. anyway, i could not say it now since there was nothing connecting us in the past so no memories or expectations.

we had reached the bottom of the staircase, she having refused to take the lift. "you of all the people should not take the lift. roly poly boyya. walk as much as you can." never before had someone hinted at my bulk and left a pleasant-ish kind of feeling in my heart. another first with this lady. "brother, slow down... stop building castles." i said to myself as that feeling of gratitude began rising in my heart which usually comes when someone is especially concerned about you.

"these people na. they throw their garbage on the road. no sense of cleanliness at all. their house clean, public property is garbage dump" i saw her frown and wrinkle her nose. i used to hang the garbage in a plastic bag on the gate. the garbage collector lady would come early morning and collect it. she would also collect 20 bucks a month for this service though the government paid her a regular sum.

we walked down the road slowly. me trying hard to come up with some interesting topic in my blank mind... digging digging, she with complete ease pointing to one thing and another and telling me something that associated her to them. "on the first day i came here, i turned right on that road. the one way board is by the shrubbery, i could not see it. you should have seen the look on the face of oncoming riders. ha ha ha.." i could see the one way sign clearly. "i complained about it and they removed the over hanging branches" as she followed my gaze and read my thoughts again.

i was feeling like a transparent piece of glass already. was i so easy to read? the book had said that most women liked mysterious men. if that were the case then i had lost the battle before it even began. maybe she had already categorised me into the friendship zone.

consciously i walked alongside her, taking care that she set the pace and that the distance between was governed by her. i always was of the belief that ladies should be allowed to set the pace and degree of closeness. i was afraid that i will go too close too soon and then she would be offended by it. and again closeness was a matter that both people had to decide out of choice and desire. rather than it being imposed by one persons intense longing for the other.

the road began to fade as sand particles began appearing. soon everything under our foot was sand. she held my forearm as she tried taking off her shoes. immediately her height reduced by a good couple of inches. "sand feels so good under the feet." she felt good everywhere or what. it was as if she was integrated with the universe. each and everything was hers. from the biggest to the smallest she was connected with it, part of it, comfortable with it. a mutual interdependence kind of feeling. for me who believed that complete independence from everything was bliss, this was a very perplexing feeling.

the waves appeared. perpetual moving water. coming to the shore, touching a part of the beach and returning back to the depths. bits of her hair had come loose and was flying around all over her face. she trying unsuccessfully to contain them behind her ear all the while talking about the smell of the sea and the loveliness of the dipping sun, occassionally going off to comment on the dishonesty of the local grocer or the tailor. i was getting used her banter. getting comfortable with it. wanting to be with it for more time if possible.

we decided to sit down, me offering her my hanky to place on the ground before sitting. all chivalrous i felt. and the sea agreed. the setting sun agreed. the wind agreed.

-----

"The wheel of time turns and we all turn with it, topsy-turvy, upside down, inside and out. And the last one standing when the dumroo-dancer ends his dance at the end of time will not be the stongest or the bravest or even the most aggressive. Simply the loneliest."

- Jambavan in Bridge of Rama, Ashok K Banker

darkness

nausea.

he felt his stomach churn. a strange sour taste rising up to his throat.. burped out..
his heart was beating faster..
drops of sweat were getting heavier and falling off his forehead. the shirt fully wet, hugged his sweat-drenched back. some part of it occasionally getting unstuck and sticking back on again.
he took off the shirt... allowing the warm humid breeze to flow over him.

he sat in the darkness.

"It is appropriate that the external conditions match your state of mind. That avoids conflict within yourself. That will bring harmony." the voice in his head spoke.

the voice had grown over the years.

initially it had begun with little observations, comments. he was happy to have found a companion. a friend that was inside him. a mate that would never go away from him.

it then grew, on to judging his actions and actions of others around him. sometimes it was funny, sometimes angry, sometimes prodding him to do something, sometimes forcing him not to act.

now it had grown so much on him that he was not able to seperate himself and the voice in his head. it was more like the voice willed something and he followed it without question.

he wanted to be alone. but the voice wouldnt let him be.
anything and everything that happened or did not happen would be examined, re-examined, analysed, turned inside out, outside in, broken into peices, distorted, and then assimilated as was most convinient. based on this his emotions would be triggered and his behaviour altered.

was he trapped? was he being controlled?

was there no way to get rid of this voice?

he had stopped speaking back to it long ago hoping that it would also stop on its own. ignored it. but it could carry-on on its own, without any contribution from him. like a sapling that initially needed nurturing and care, but after a certain point would survive without need for watering or tending to.

the voice had taken root. deeply. and now he could not wish it to wither away. it did not require him anymore, it was a presence independent of him but it influenced his thoughts, actions, emotions... even his dreams were not left untouched.

the moon was rising.
the night breeze had become gentler and cooler. the curtains resisted the breeze and rose and fell forming strange shadows against the wall aided by the moonlight.

"Beautiful moon goddess. She must be so lonely."

observe.

someone had told him. or had he read it somewhere? he did not remember. but the advice had been clear.

just observe it.
do not hate it, do not love it.
it is just an extension of yourself.
it is you.
you wish it to be there. so it is there.

but he did not wish it to be there. or so he felt. it was involuntary. it just kept on and on without a break. it was arrogant. it was was so full of itself. or was it himself?
deep breath. the moon.

the master points at the moon. the foolish disciple looks at the finger.

he wished to think of himself as one of the wiser disciples, one that looked past the finger and saw the moon. but then what? why did the master want him to look at the moon..? ah it was all so confusing..

"Its not confusing. You are just not upto it."

ignoring something is giving it negative attention.
dont agree with it, nor disagree with it. just look at it.
intently.

he closed his eyes.

"Ha Ha Ha. You are just trying to avoid. That wont help at all."

he breathed in.

he breathed out.

and then it was gone.

Past

Unblinking...

His eyes were looking intently at something.

Anybody could make out that he was spacing out.

Focusing on the act of looking rather than the object that caught his attention?

Glimpsing moments from some distant past which was triggered by some smell, taste, touch, sight or sound?

Reliving some memory that was regurgitated in the sudden silence that surrounded him?

"She used to say 'yaaaa' in the very same manner.."

Ah. A clue. More than a clue in fact. It was the remembrance of some girl from the past that he summoned.

The memory having been brought back by the understanding exclamation from a college girl talking non-stop, probably with her male friend on her cell phone.

She was sitting on the bench to the right of ours and was making no attempt to lower the strain on her vocal chords.

People went by on their circuits of the park, mostly the elderly.

I tried to prod for more information

"She? You never told me about a she.. Aha! A new twist is revealed. A previously untold, unheard chapter from K's life!

Your ex-girlfriend? College love? ha ha ha.. i hope she is not in touch now..

or have you been carrying on with this even after marrying me?

if that be the case mister, dinner wont be served tonight and you will be sleeping alone in the hall."

I was ofcourse jesting him. adopting a fake tone of anger and hurt.

He turned slightly, enough for me to see his eyes rolling and an amused look breaking on his face.

His head still targeted that distant spot and held his gaze.

"Oh... i am doomed now!" he said dramatically making me break into a silly giggle.

These days he was able to make out when i was joking and when i was serious.

I remembered the initial days that had been filled with confusion and misunderstandings.

There would be needless apologies tendered from either sides assuming that the other had taken offence at some silly statement spoken casually.

Ah, how they had grown over time. Though not such a long time. only about 3 months now.

"She was a girl i met online." he continued. "we were dreaming of getting hitched.. but things did not work out with your mom-in-law.

She insisted on me marrying a girl from the fold.."

"And i was the unlucky one. I must ask mother about this." i butted in.

"I can almost see you.. all awkward and uncomfortable.. asking mom .. 'can i marry this girl i met online?' ha ha ha.."

His eyes changed a bit. I could see a hint of pain.

I moved closer to him and tightened my hold on on his fore arm..

"oh dear, im sorry... I can see that you wont appreciate any humor on this issue."

He sighed. "Its ok. No need to apologize. I just could not help wondering how close we had gotten and then how quickly everything fell apart."

The girl on the next bench uttered a rather un-lady like curse.

The batteries on her cell phone had drained and peace had returned to the little park.

"tell me what happened K... why did everything fall apart?"

He laughed out loud startling the cell-phone girl who looked pissed enough

and ready to introduce us to another word in her strong vocabulary.

"Its so funny if you look at it. My dear wife is asking about my old crush."

"So what. I need to know rite? we need to share each others life rite? past, present and future!!

Memories maketh the man!" I announced looking at him raising my free arm like Ambedkar.

"Ha ha ha.. you are an item." He said lightly pinching my right cheek like they do for little kids.

"ow.. Tell me na.." I wanted to know about his past.. wondering what it was that still brought a look of pain and regret in his eyes.

"She was a nice lady who i met quite accidentally online, on one of them social networking sites that were so much the craze then. We go to know each other, talked for a bit, got attached.. then the inevitable confrontation with mother, ended everything."

Ah a love story. Interesting, i thought. I wondered why he had kept it to himself all this while.
"did she also like you?"

he sighed again.

"i never could say. both of us were afraid of the so many differences that were in our lives. it becomes too difficult when the cultures are so varied. we shared something beautiful, but were fearful of the future. it was a big problem for me as i couldnt refuse my moms wishes"

"what happened then?"

"we lost touch for a bit. she was upset with me for lacking the courage to go ahead. i promised a lot but then did not keep them. it all happened so fast. it was so intense."

I saw him close his eyes tight. trying to undo what he had done. trying to remove the painful memory from his mind.
"is she still in touch?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me.
"sometimes. she is also married. very happy. sometimes i feel everything happened for good as it always does."

a look of happiness gently spread on his face.
"what?" i asked.

"the moon has risen.. lets go home"

He seemed back to his own self.. running ahead to buy some roasted peanuts from the street side vendor.

Salutations

MOOKAM KAROTI VACHALAM PANGOOM LANGHAYATE GIRIM
YATKRIPA TAMAHAM VANDE PARMANAND MADHAVAM

- Salutations to the ultimate bliss Madhava, whose grace makes the dumb eloquent and the cripples conquer mountains.